I was belly laughing with a friend the other day (once we finally connected). We’d been trying to connect via phone for a few days, but we were both on Do Not Disturb every time we tried. So our texts were being delivered “quietly” and our calls diverted straight to the trash, er, I mean voicemail.
We’d wanted earnestly to connect, but our well-appointed boundaries for ourselves gave us more breathing room to get there. In that space and delay, there was delight. There was also delight when we eventually connected.
If you’re not familiar with this simple, god-sent setting on your phone, Do Not Disturb (DND), it may be your new best friend: a loyal, loving bodyguard there to shield you from well-meaning but often random and chaotic incoming energy of others. Someone to hold a boundary so you don’t have to.
DND allows you the opportunity for mind space and mindfulness. The change to communicate when and how it makes sense to you, not simply in reaction to when and how it makes sense to another. (there are other ways to achieve this of course, and we likely need all the opportunities we can to try at it)
How do you connect earnestly, open-heartedly, and authentically from the other side of a boundary?
DND sending your call straight to VM is like the busy signal of the 90s, except instead of it signaling that the person you’re trying to talk to is already talking to someone else, it signals that they are holding / hoping for space. Spaciousness is on the other line, please wait your turn. Here, here’s some spaciousness too.
I’ve loved seeing so many people talking about the wisdom Jane Fonda dropped on Julia Louis-Dreyfus’ new podcast, “Wiser Than Me” a few weeks ago. When asked what advice she’d give her 21-year old self she said, that “‘No’ is a complete sentence.”
Not particularly an earth shattering concept, but… it actually is (especially if you’re a woman). Know what I mean?
Consider how often the, “I would but…” and “I wish I could but…” or “I’m so sorry I can’t I…” or some other version tumbles out before and after a “no.” Our grooming toward automatic explanation and apology. Something you don’t actually owe anyone, sometimes not even yourself.
Saying no is just saying no. It’s not denying your existence, humanity, rights or agency. In fact, sometimes saying no, or being boundaried, is the very best way to affirm these things.
Choosing DND is a small moment to try and take a break, something we all need, society talks more and more about, yet seems ever-more elusive.
It’s Cancer season — whatever that means to you personally — and some of us are headed into a “long weekend” as the mythic concept goes. So it might be a perfect time to try out DND.
So, put your phone on Do Not Disturb (or Sleep!) and see how it feels. Enjoy the extra peace and space and consider that this is yours to have - you deserve it all the time.
In Recovering, her wonderful newsletter about recovery,
wrote this week about how shitty she felt taking a break from publishing, but also what it meant to her. It didn’t really make her more productive, it just made her more whole.Talking about the emergence of “rest culture,” she observed that,
“As always when anything becomes a cultural meme, we don’t just take it for what it is — in this case, a symptom of a larger issue enough of us might be ready to actually do something about. Instead, we turn it into an entire cottage industry and see it as an opportunity for a business venture, instead of an opportunity for living differently.”
So yeah, maybe we should side eye just a little bit that DND is a Tim Cook offering and Apple is probably feeding our little breaks into some algorithm that eventually optimizes the times we can buy shit. I don’t know.
But still, claim it.
And when you inevitably miss my call, or I yours, don’t be sorry we’re on DND. Be proud. Be grateful. Chuckle. We will connect eventually and the space between will make it all the sweeter.
I’m headed offline in about 8 weeks for a while for some personal practice and sabbatical, so if you’ve been thinking of reaching out for anything - please do!
Work 1:1 with me: A number of ways to do this. I’m working with social justice leaders to hone audacious thought leadership strategies and cultivate and elevate their voices. I’m closing my books in August for a little while, so reach out if you’re interested!
Yoga IRL weekly at Love Yoga in Venice and the Santa Monica YMCA.